02 - cool and good day
my brother visited and we made a spiced yellow cake. we were gonna make gingerbread but we didn't want to have to travel to get molasses. i got a metal food trough for the guinea pigs to see if they would like that and they seem to. mostly i have just been cleaning the house and cooking and i guess that is what normal life is. not sitting in bed being like Oh How I Hate Being Alive. i do a little of both types of thing.... anyway i am content. and i am trying out a new type of things with this extremely crude web site. i got to go to work tomorrow and whatever.
i am still on a not listening to music kick so i am just listening to the same podcast 1000 times over and over. hopefully i will like music again soon!!!
03 - stuck on a project
today was fine. i went to work. i like my job as much as i am going to like any job. possibly even more than i would like most other jobs. they kind of just let me do whatever i want all day as long as i do my main little tasks and help out with everyone else's stuff occasionally.
today my coworker drove me to costco and we got costco hotdog for lunch. and i got a set of screwdrivers. after i got home i just worked on some songs and played guitar. i am stuck on writing lyrics for the tune and accompanying guitar part. i hope that when i start liking music again i will have an easier time with writing lyrics but i don't feel very pressured about it. it would just be nice. but i will be patient.
04 - i am not feeling it today
due to some circumstances that are very mundane but deeply unpleasant i am having some depression. but luckily i have medication that works and healthy behavior patterns that i force of willed myself to learn and believe so i will deal. i feel bad about being very gullible sometimes, but i am also able to make myself believe some incredible things.
tonight/tomorrow is a special occasion so i have had 2 1/2 white claws.
tomorrow at some point i want to work on how this site looks some more.
i think almost every day about parasocial relationships. i think it is a lot like how i was fixated on specific dysfunctions and magic and some other things (it is a thing affecting my life enough to make me think about it often). i grew up with them because i was already socially fucked as a child and when the internet hit? ohh baby. you can type some things and then you can delete what you typed and type something with a completely different tone that you like way better. and you can just read posts and not type anything at all.
reading posts is my favorite thing in the whole world. i like piecing together who someone might be or how they might be thinking. unfortunately when they think really cruel things, it becomes miserable to read. and also unfortunately it uses up my social battery to read posts whether they are nice or not.
anyway. i will not be miserable. i will have a normal time.
05 - i gave myself depression
i took all the periods out of the titles for the journal entries.... that is the most i am going to do today. i played fantasy life phone game and looked at people having problems online. i also played some guitar for a few hours. i did that before i looked at people having problems online and i honestly should have done the two things in reverse order if i wanted to have a normal evening.
i am so morose i started writing a whole thing about how the internet betrayed me and how it was always going to because it was designed for people like me to try to have a little escapism and instead get sucked into like wildly messed up entanglements with similarly troubled people. but i deleted it. i made this website to exercise a little self control. even when i am so depressed my skills become powerful...
my grandma emailed me for my birthday and i emailed her back right away. my mom texted me and i did not respond. i don't know if i will yet. my dad mailed me some longjohns and gloves from costco. i love when he sends me things that i could get for myself because it feels like a very loving gesture. he sent a size too large but of course i am wearing them anyway.
when i was making this website i was thinking about what i wanted to use it for and my main intention was to record pieces of my life so as time passes i can be like, there it all is. and i can look at specific days and know what i did on those days. and i can put pictures for context and whatever. i also really like the idea of someone having to very intentionally navigate to this stuff to see it if i didn't send it to them. and maybe they feel nothing about it or they feel some way and then that is the extent of the interaction.
i am going to eat leftover chicken nugget and then go to sleep.
06 - exhausted
today i went with my coworker to her apartment to help her grab stuff to bring to her sister's apartment because her apartment is in a flood plain and she was freaking out really bad. i think if i were in her situation i would have been freaking out really bad too but i was like very calm and trying to be a point of calm for her. and now i am awake at 2am.
i played some more music for a few hours today and have a 2nd song kind of. i had 1 and 1/2 songs before. if i make like 8 songs i will have an album to do nothing with. but right now i am just making songs... they kind of are going to suck but if i wanted them to sound good they would suck in a different less fun way.
i was deliberating on how much info is too much to share here because of my problems but i decided that if someone wants to come find me and shoot me with a gun that's fine i guess. i won't like it. but someone could decide they want to shoot me with a gun just on the street or whatever.
i am having a bad time at work due to weather and working outside. i cannot elaborate because it would be so much to say and i am living it already and talking about it constantly with the people also experiencing it (my coworkers). everything is flooding is the current problem. but right now i am calm about it.
08 - fake nails
yesterday my partner came home from her big vacation. it is nice for the house to be full again. she brought me back some calico critters that are dressed as icecreams and as ninjas. i never have owned a calico critter before but i have had these little flocked plastic bears that the craft and novelty store my mom used to take me to had. i loved them, i would just sit and rub them til the softness wore off... so i am very in love with the calico critters.
my partner also brought home a big fake nails diy kit with superglue and i was like. well i always keep being like "i want to try legit fake nails but i hate the salon experience so i guess i will just never do it" and these aren't like, the fanciest most durable nails but i did a good job with them and they are quite literally superglued to my fingers. they look kind of cool imo but also as a fairly utilitarian person i can't do the whole like, they are in the way of literally everything type situation. i feel like they are going to destroy my gloves at work. or rip my fingernails off or something.
i tried to charge my tablet to draw stuff for this site and the part you plug into the outlet was dead so i am trying it again. i might just do mouse drawings in kidpix or something because my frustration limit for a leisure activity is like, Any Amount Of Inconvenience At All.
in february i will have been on testosterone for 5 years i think. it could be 6 but i am not sure and i kind of don't care because i have pretty much gotten everything i want out of it. and i try to think about that a lot because i hear about famous people working really hard to get something (fame money object award etc) and then being like underwhelmed about it. and i hate the exorbitantly wealthy and i want my life to be better than theirs. so i try to enjoy when i work really hard and very patiently to get something such as looking and sounding how i want to. i love or feel neutrally about being trans. because the real material actual alternative would be to be a cis lady and i cannot abide that for myself. so i enjoy the option that solves my problems.
i think if gender roles and expectations were entirely different, then different types of peope would be changing things about themselves to feel happier in themselves. i think it is a common behavior of humans to problem solve by changing their environments and selves for comfort. but we live in this reality and so i get to be this type of weird guy. so fuck it, i will enjoy it.
---
i finally added some drawings!!! my intention for the "images" page on here was to put any images i included in my journal over there as well so i could find them more easily, but i am not sure i will be adding photographs so i will probably change it to "drawings" eventually. and maybe i will figure out how to embed music so i can put my music on here too.
11 - becoming undepressed (1.5 speed)
i cut my fake nails short so i am freed of that. i had a stressful day at work. but i think i handled the situations that came up really well relative to how i would have in the past, and that's what is up.
my therapist was sick the last time we were supposed to have a session and i hope he is feeling better. and if he isn't i hope he is taking care of himself and will feel better soon. for normal human empathy reasons and for i need therapy reasons as well. weird to be like, i hope my therapist feels better soon. it feels shitty to want someone to be well to use their service. but feelings are not the rules. a guy can be a little bit selfish sometimes.
i gave myself emotions sickness looking at online. i want to document this so when i don't do this behavior i can look at my old entries and be like, ah yes. the old times... when i was less skilled and more foolish... i wasn't feeling good and i came home and drank 3 coffees and looked at insane interpersonal drama shit. and that is why i feel especially bad.
tonight i actually figured out a nice simple way to organize my art on here though which is beyond what i was hoping to achieve. i'm looking forward to adding more stuff from 2021 and also making more art that i am making for myself and possibly others on purpose. i don't know if i will keep the tumblr. i like the idea of being an artist someone stumbles across and is like Huh ok. and then when they think of my art again they can't remember my handle. that is cool to me. it requires that i make an effort to be Seen or Found and that is against my instincts.
oh!! i listened to music today. very exciting. i am listening to the album Crawler by the band Idles. they've been my music fixation for almost a year. i listen to other stuff occasionally as well (and i listened to 2 different bands today!!!) but i just put the album on and listen to it over and over when i get tired of other music. i just wanted to include that because i was complaining about being stuck not listening to music for a bit there. now i cannot tolerate podcasts. my cycle.
16 - no more nails
i don't want to talk about my job anymore.
the past few days i mostly went to work and went home, so i didn't have much to say. my therapist is healthy and i am continuing to be doing better mentally than i ever have in my whole life. sometimes there are going to be days where nothing is happening and that is kind of fine.
i did draw a little bit. and i also put on more fake nails and then took them off the next day because i had a small crisis about how they aren't really my style at all and some other things. but i really cleaned my hands and nails up and since i haven't been chewing my fingers due to the nails, they look almost healthy.